First step - Courage, Leap of Faith and Grace of God
This and other articles on this blog are based on my experiences from about 6 years of intensive healing of my psychological problems - changes, progresses and results. They are my personal experiences and they are not meant to be taken as a psychological advice or as a substitute for psychological and/or psychiatric treatment. If you are suffering from depression or other psychological problems, please seek help from a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist or other health proffesional.
I've decided to publish my story to the outside world to help lessen the suffering of other people and for the betterment and glory of mankind.
This article owned by my and it is not permitted to edit and/or reuse it in any way other than directly linking to this blog.
I've decided to publish my story to the outside world to help lessen the suffering of other people and for the betterment and glory of mankind.
This article owned by my and it is not permitted to edit and/or reuse it in any way other than directly linking to this blog.
First step - Decisive moment of faith and willingness to step into the unknown
It happened long before I knew what the term depression means and that I could be suffering from something like that. At that time I also considered my childhood to be fairly normal - my parents didn't like each other and their relationship didn't last, but nobody has ever beaten me up physically or threaten me in that sense - I had what I considered an overall "good" childhood.
When I was about 19-22 (Can't remember exactly) my depressive state escalated into untolerable levels. I would describe this state as follows - depressive state full of darkness, when my mind was producing dark thoughts that even led to things such as "the only logical conclusion there is is to kill myself".
I was never officialy diagnosed for suicidal depression or any other form of depression. I guess I never had the courage to tell anyone.
When I was about 19-22 (Can't remember exactly) my depressive state escalated into untolerable levels. I would describe this state as follows - depressive state full of darkness, when my mind was producing dark thoughts that even led to things such as "the only logical conclusion there is is to kill myself".
I was never officialy diagnosed for suicidal depression or any other form of depression. I guess I never had the courage to tell anyone.
This state has been recoccuring pretty much all the time since I was about 15 years old.
Then came a certain moment when I sat down a said to myself "I need to find out, why I have this problem. Or I will have to end it" And by ending it I meant my life.
So I sat down and not knowing what I was doing, I tried to find the reason for my depression. A Big part of me getting myself to do this was thanks to my mentor - he applied what I call tough love to make me go work on my problems - he said I need to do something with myself otherwise he has no other ways to help me.
I also had this specific sentence in my head that rang true - that everything that a person has psychologically inside of themselves is there to for some reason protect them or gain something for themselves.
So I sat down and not knowing what I was doing, I tried to find the reason for my depression. A Big part of me getting myself to do this was thanks to my mentor - he applied what I call tough love to make me go work on my problems - he said I need to do something with myself otherwise he has no other ways to help me.
I also had this specific sentence in my head that rang true - that everything that a person has psychologically inside of themselves is there to for some reason protect them or gain something for themselves.
I felt an inner belief, that I need to find the reason, that I have to find the reason why I had this problem. Some people were telling me to work on my problems this way or that way, but I knew deep down I had to do it the way I just described.
I was sitting down and I was trying to find the reason why I had this problem. I didn't know what this would do or why I need to do this exactly, but I knew for sure I had to do it, so I did.
And then I found out the reason. In a specific moment it felt like something released in my stomach, flew upwards and then my whole body vibrated. This experience scared me, so I decided to lie down and sleep.
I woke up after about 2 hours and I realised that my problem really had disappeared. It took few days untill I fully understood, that my suicidal, depressive emotional states and thoughts were not there anymore. The problem, because of which I had to make a big effort everyday to just survive, has disappeared.
One of the symptoms was this notion of a "veil" before my eyes and forehead disappeared too. Most probably I had it there as long as I can remember, and I never became conscious of it, because I didn't have the perspective of it not being there.
I am convinced that if I didn't decide then to find the reason behind this problem, I would have been suffering from it to this day. Maybe I even wouldn't be alive, because the suffering would be great, and maybe even untolerable.
Now with the distance I have from it now, while not suffering from it anymore, I can imagine how it is difficult or plain impossible for a person who never suffered from asnything like this to imagine how it is like.
I was sitting down and I was trying to find the reason why I had this problem. I didn't know what this would do or why I need to do this exactly, but I knew for sure I had to do it, so I did.
And then I found out the reason. In a specific moment it felt like something released in my stomach, flew upwards and then my whole body vibrated. This experience scared me, so I decided to lie down and sleep.
I woke up after about 2 hours and I realised that my problem really had disappeared. It took few days untill I fully understood, that my suicidal, depressive emotional states and thoughts were not there anymore. The problem, because of which I had to make a big effort everyday to just survive, has disappeared.
One of the symptoms was this notion of a "veil" before my eyes and forehead disappeared too. Most probably I had it there as long as I can remember, and I never became conscious of it, because I didn't have the perspective of it not being there.
I am convinced that if I didn't decide then to find the reason behind this problem, I would have been suffering from it to this day. Maybe I even wouldn't be alive, because the suffering would be great, and maybe even untolerable.
Now with the distance I have from it now, while not suffering from it anymore, I can imagine how it is difficult or plain impossible for a person who never suffered from asnything like this to imagine how it is like.
I think a lot of people imagine depression of something that'd be added onto what they are feeling most of the time.
The problem is, that at least I suffered in a state, when I didn't feel most of the things that a normal human feels, like if depression took place of some emotions and states. Liked if it was covering positive emotions.
In some way I call the experience I had God's Grace - In the beginning there was my courage to step into the absolute unknown without knowing what I was doing, where I went after my inner knowing that I had to find a reason behind my problem, or I'd had to kill myself. I am not a christian, but the fact this was possible and it took place - I regard as a Grace of God.
This took place about 6 years ago, and the problem never returned. And it never will.
This was only the beginning of me letting go of my emotional problems. I will explain how my childhood comes into the picture and what I've been able to release in these 6 years in the next article.
The problem is, that at least I suffered in a state, when I didn't feel most of the things that a normal human feels, like if depression took place of some emotions and states. Liked if it was covering positive emotions.
In some way I call the experience I had God's Grace - In the beginning there was my courage to step into the absolute unknown without knowing what I was doing, where I went after my inner knowing that I had to find a reason behind my problem, or I'd had to kill myself. I am not a christian, but the fact this was possible and it took place - I regard as a Grace of God.
This took place about 6 years ago, and the problem never returned. And it never will.
This was only the beginning of me letting go of my emotional problems. I will explain how my childhood comes into the picture and what I've been able to release in these 6 years in the next article.
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